To have or not to have

I have spent 2018 celibate. After a very necessary one-night stand, I realized I hate one night stands.

I hate that sex that you can only get once then you can’t get again or have to pretend like you never had in the first place. I can’t. If we do it, I need to know I can enter again. Or carry on entering. In any case, nearly 9 months without any sex, besides a couple of drunken lamzas at the club, I have not been touched by anyone else but me. And these many months of masturbation have taught me my rhythm. In a normal cycle I like an orgasm like three times a week. Anything more is distraction and exhaustion.

I wound up in a one-night stand because I spent a year in a relationship unable to ask for what I wanted and having sex at times when I would have preferred to watch tv, or just sleep. Through too much having with my former, and not even having what I actually like, I wound up deflated and in need of serious rejuvenation. Hence the celibacy. I want to learn how to voice my desires, how to create sexual experiences that fulfill me. and how to love myself and touch myself in ways that heal me and leave me breathless at the same fucking time.

Relationships are fraught with all the problematic stuff that we enact and encounter each day. They are microcosms of the world, so it is likely that wombyn will be finding themselves unheard and exploited in sexual affairs. It doesn’t always have to be this way though. My ex, would have listened to what I had to say and been accountable if I had ever advocated for my desires. But through my terrible education in sexual relations, I found myself afraid and full of thoughts when I should have just told that nigga what needed to happen. Anyways, I’m excited for the time when I unravel all I have learned, but I am considering taking celibacy to a year. Just to say I did it. And also Jozi is full of trolls. It is very easy to stay home with a series considering what I’ve seen on these streets. Being heterosexual and female also informs why I was sexually dissatisfied coz hetero niggas don’t know shit but stay acting and hammering all over the place. Urgh, so tiring. I would be the freakiest, most willing partner with a respectful one; I mean I’m DOWN.  Maybe multiples, definitely toys. But I generally encounter undeserving niggas who want wombyn on their knees, without any effort; just stinking socks and entitlement. Wastemen abound, some of them even have STDs, and will steal your phone after you fall asleep. One must stay woke for the wolves out to steal your sweetness.

Sex can be life affirming, especially when shared between consenting and connecting humans. Anything else is a lesson. And I have learned to choose wisely.