How to like yourself
According to Science the person who is going to live to 1 000 years old has already been born. That person is probably not you, it’s a toddler somewhere using an iPad. What’s important is we’re all living a lot longer than previous generations. You know who is going to be with you throughout your long life? You. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a miserable, self-doubting, self-loathing, hateful arsehole. I want to make sure that I like myself. Luckily for you, I want you to like yourself too.
Stop trying to seek happiness in other people
Please don’t seek happiness from other people. Especially men. If you have not already, you need to acknowledge that men, due to the way in which manhood is reinforced – the big piece of chicken, ‘submit’, the intense focus on winning, blue skincare products, the rape culture pyramid - are incredibly fragile and conditioned to care solely about themselves. A lethal combination of male fragility and racism mean Black men harbour an intense hatred towards Black womxn. Why on earth would you try and seek happiness from dudes who hate you? Also don’t try and seek happiness solely through your children. It’s unfair. The best thing you can do for your kids is ensure you have found happiness within yourself, that you’ve cut the cycle of ancestral trauma by dealing with your shit, and your mother’s shit, and that you teach your children to love themselves. Seeking happiness merely through the people you love is not love at all. I’m a firm believer in Oprah’s view of love – it’s all about wanting another person to flourish, thrive and be better. If you want to like yourself, you need to be happy. You have to seek happiness within yourself.
Concentrate on your skills
For some reason, let’s just blame it on the colonial protestant neoliberal capitalist complex, we tend to think it’s effective to concentrate on our negative traits as an area of improvement. Don’t do this. This is a frustrating waste of your time. What are you really good at? What tasks and activities do you perform way better than other people? Spend some time thinking about this – journal, meditate, ask your friends, ask your family, ask your colleagues. When you determine the things you’re great at, work on getting even better at them. Being good at stuff makes you happy. Knowing your strengths and utilising them gives you confidence. The things you’re good at also tend to be the stuff that you like doing. This will lead to happiness and hey you may end up in a new career doing something you love, that you’re great at, and that you’re paid for. You may even achieve mastery in the process. That’s a good thing.
“I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a miserable, self-doubting, self-loathing, hateful arsehole. I want to make sure that I like myself. ”
Learn to be ok alone
There’s something about boredom that makes those negative thoughts thrive. But the thing is you’re going to get bored sometimes. You need to get good at being alone and you need to master your boredom. When I say be good at being alone I don’t mean getting good at watching Netflix and downing two bottles of wine. That is ok sometimes but it can’t be your go to when you’re alone. You need to try things like finding a nonfiction topic that you’re interested in and spending your spare time reading about it (Black history!), listening to podcasts that teach you new and interesting things or finding a corner of your home where you can sit alone and be ok thinking about yourself and your life. Try and find a hobby that you can do by yourself, that hobby could be a side hustle. Black Coconut is my hobby and my side hustle, it means I savour my alone time as an opportunity to work on concepts for this website. If you’re alone and bored and find yourself thinking negative thoughts, practice catching yourself in the process and instead thinking about three nice things that happened to you this week. Or better yet start a gratitude journal. Also if you are ok being alone then you have a very effective shield against narcissistic, evil people who prey on your fear of loneliness as a form of control.
Don’t hate other people
Hating other people is hard work and you always lose. Thinking about the hate you have for other people makes you angry. That anger builds within you and then you become a hateful person. And guess who has to spend all that time with this hateful person? That’s right, you. Move on, do something else, write in your gratitude journal or read about Black people who lived in Victorian Britain.
Do nice things for other people
This one is my favourite. Think about a friend you’re worried about and send them a message. If you know the issue they are going through send them a message specifically asking them about the problem. Listen to them, really listen and offer comfort. Volunteer to help people. Babysit, mentor, job search, read their articles, give feedback, take them on an outing, anything that helps make them feel happy. Doing nice things for other people is just good. Knowing that you are a positive influence on other people’s lives will make you like yourself even more.
Got anymore tips on liking yourself? Leave them in the comments.
This article was edited on 8 February 2019. An earlier version of this article made reference to 10 000 years old rather than 1 000 years old in paragraph one.
